The countdown is almost over. The timer is about to "ding." It that turkey I smell? Yep, and along with it another holiday season starts. A time filled with regression, repression and aggravation all the while being loving, neighborly and a good family member. I love my family, but the holidays are difficult.
My parents divorced when I was 23. They told me the Sunday before graduating college. You know, the last week full of finals, party's and optimism for my new career. Good timing. 'Preciate it. Way to bring me down.
Now, several years later, I'm older, but for the first time single during the holidays. But you know what? I'm not gonna crack. As a matter of fact, I'm excited. I get to do what I want. Like getting to see my family. I guess that's gonna be fun.
Oh yeah, my family. Sorry about the micro-vent. Does anybody else feel this way or am I out of wack? I feel completely different than my family now. I've moved away. They've gotten divorced. They moved to opposite ends of the country to be closer to their parents. I'm working on my business and creating lasting relationships here. Plus, they're acting like a bunch of children.
I talked to my mom last night and she told me about how she and her boyfriend bought a Wii. Good for them. At least there is something for me to do when I'm there around Christmas this year. (p.s.- did I mention that it's a huge pain to celebrate the holidays across the country? Thank GOD I'm single this year. Last year, my then girlfriend and I had 3 Christmases. Awesome for presents, crappy for miles on my lease.) But what's more interesting is the negative, confusing messages that her relationship is sending me. It's difficult to understand how to interpret everything. But my mom isn't alone.
For example, when I was in college, I kinda lived with my girlfriend. By this I mean I had my own place where my "stuff" and mail lived and I payed rent, but I stayed at her place every night. My parents (when they were still together) never confronted me about it, but they weren't dumb. They got it. They knew.
Fast-forward to today. My mom hasn't told me "officially" that her boyfriend now lives with her. My dad laid it on me that he will be getting married again in the spring. Number five now. I'm sure his whatever is living with him. He asked if I needed any furniture. Now, it's me who isn't dumb. I get it. I know.
So I grew up in a conservative Christian family with parents that tried to instill solid values in me. It worked for a certain extent, but I had the wrath of my parents in me, instead of the wrath of God. Today, my values are more concrete. I understand where they were coming from, have that "wrath of God" within me and view what they are doing as contradictory, plus unmoral to the values within which I was raised. (Just to be clear: my stance on living with somebody before marriage: Don't. It's difficult to get out. Remember that college girl? Stayed with her two and a half years too long. Plus, the spiritual side of me has a similar stance, but a little more black and white.)
I feel as if I'm not alone on this one. I've talked to several my age with parents that divorced late and are acting like kids. I guess it's okay, but it is making it hard for us to continue the respectful Parent-Child relationship. It seems that I'm more in a Friend relationship. I guess that's okay, but stop asking me parent-ish questions like "how's your health?" and "how's your savings account growing?" Well, I'm stressed, eating a lot of cookies because it's the holidays and have you seen the stock market? Not good. I'm working till I die. Should be fun.
John Zogby in The Way We'll Be (I know I use this book a lot, but it's sweet) that the "Woodstockers (those born '46-'64- many call them Baby Boomers) will finally get tired of trying to look and act like children. This is a generation that needs a second act-- something with more social utility than an endless obsession with self."
I feel that there is an amazing similarity with Generation Yers and Boomers right now. We as Gen Y Live First, Work Second, as author Rebecca Ryan puts it. Our Boomer parents are retiring in huge numbers. They were raised with the values that you're supposed to work hard and then retirement is the age of pleasure. So who's leading who or are we experiencing the same feelings with different levels of experience and income? I'm thinking that Generation Y currently has the upper-hand, while both generations strive to "figure-out" happiness. That's just because I'm stubborn and in Y.
You want another example? I thought you'd never ask. How about the book, and personal problem I've experienced first-hand, The Quarter-Life Crisis by Alexandria Robbins and Abby Wilner. Um, isn't that like a mid-life crisis? Sure there may or may not be as much money, a spouse or kids to consider, but isn't the underlying factor for a "life-crisis" deep-rooted in seeking happiness from family, work and personal stuff? Isn't it weird that this is happening at the same time on both ends of the family spectrum? Makes for some interesting turkey-day discussions. Try 'em.
So as I have completed my Quarter-Life crisis (or have I?), I'm learning more about the deep roots of my parents individual values and how we are incredibly different, yet similar. I see my stubbornness in my dad and it scares me. I see more of my emotional side coming from my mom. That scares me even more.
So as these holiday season approaches, I'd encourage each of you to listen to this advice. Pain and prying questions are temporary. Love your family, but then get out ASAP. Go, eat, drink (not too much) and be merry. Love your family, but love them for their quirks as much as their strengths. I know I try to. Finding those quirks and still wanting to go is key. There isn't another family dynamic exactly like mine. I wouldn't wish it on anybody... but me of course.
Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!
Posts
